Yesterday was hell.
I had a nightmare last night. I was dreaming about friends, and trying to treat them like family, and being told that was inappropriate. The symbolism of this is all too obvious to me.
I slept late, not because I was extraordinarily tired, but because getting up meant checking my email. And I was afraid to check my email, what with all the strife I've been experiencing as of late.
Let me start off by saying that I got an email from my Dad today explaining why he reacted the way he did and apologizing for being too harsh. But when I didn't hear from him yesterday, I assumed the worst. Usually, when there's some sort of disagreement, if I don't hear from him for a couple days, it's usually pretty confronational. So, I was worried and even more depressed. I wished that I could ask for a third of what my little sister naturally expects without coming away feeling like some kind of ogre. It's not sibling rivalry. It's just so weird to see, and it bothers me that she doesn't even seem to realize that she has gotten all these great opportunities as opposed to the rest of us. Normally, I'm proud of her accomplishments, and I enjoy hearing about whatever she's up to. But in scenarios like the one this week, I can't help but feel a little hurt.
So, that's how I started my day. We were going to a wedding in Detroit, so I got the motivation to get dressed up. We went to breakfast at a local place. We stopped by school so I could get the paperwork from my last electronic publishing class from my teacher. Just outside of Battle Creek, it started pouring. I mean, so bad that you could barely see the road, and the sky looked black. This kept up until a little before Ann Arbor. This slowed us down considerably. Then we hit Detroit's rush hour traffic, which slowed us down even more. We got to the wedding forty minutes late, and sheepishly snuck into a pew in the back. It was a traditional Greek Orthodox ceremony, which was kind of fascinating. As the ceremony got out, we saw a lot of the old crowd, which turned out to not be a fun thing.
I had an altercation with someone from that crowd awhile back. Basically, there were some misunderstandings and the person in question pretty much singled me out to give me shit at every turn until Rob stepped in. He apologized and I have seen him around and while we'll probably never hang out, there's a general sentiment of civility. But due to some of the fall out of this, some of his friends--and more particularly, his wife's friends--are extremely hostile to us. In fact, so hostile that they would not even look at me when they passed me, and walked away when we tried to talk to them after the ceremony.
We went to the reception. On the way in, I fell on the wet gravel. I cut up my knee something horrible and was in a lot of pain.
Luckily Briggs, who is always a good time, was there. I started drinking. But I still was in a lousy mood. Now was not a time to get snubbed by people who used to spend the half the night talking to me. I was pretty uncomfortable. So, I kept drinking and we talked to folks until the food was served.
We did get to talk to the bride and groom which was cool. They came over and talked to us a few times, which considering the amount of people there was amazing. I don't know how they found the time. And they were ecstatic that we had made the drive from Kalamazoo.
The food was great, too. I stuffed myself then regretted it when I realized how much I'd been drinking prior to that. But there were so many fleeting moments of discomfort, since one of the people that had some hostility toward us was at our table, and the rest of the people were at the table across from us.
After awhile, I was finding the tension unbearable. I also had a headache which was getting worse by the minute. My knee was killing me, too.
Then they started dancing, and the dj started playing really bad music really loud. By then it was nine o clock and we still had to drive back, so we said our goodbyes.
I zoned out for much of the ride, almost fell asleep a few times, until we got back to Kalamazoo. The ride from Detroit to Kalamazoo is awful. Detroit is drab, and stays that way until Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor is a pretty little oasis, but about fifteen miles outside of Ann Arbor, you get the rural drabness as you get closer to Jackson, and it stays that way until Kalamazoo.
I got home and read my mail. Nothing much. So I started frequenting my usual online haunts. I came across a post by someone I consider a friend--we've hung out and had some pretty personal conversations, and all those things that you usually associate with having some kind of rapport--where she completely misinterpreted something I said and basically was pretty hostile toward me. It was an innocent comment I had made about something, too. I'm not sure where she got the idea that I was insulting her. She should know my style by now, since she's also on the mailing list that I run, and it's pretty apparent when I'm giving someone a hard time and when I'm not. At least I thought it was.
I zipped off an email basically saying "is there some problem with me that you need to discuss, or were you just in a bad mood?" and decided that I should call it a day.
The funny thing is, I think I'm alot kinder and more patient online than I used to be. I mean, I used to get in flame wars all the time just for fun. But I'm not amused by it anymore and would sooner not respond than get into it with someone most of the time. But for some reason, I get accused of trying to start flame wars even more. "condescending" is the most commonly used adjective, even though that's never my intention.
Maybe this kinder, gentler sigilkitty is a mistake. Maybe if you aren't an asshole to people, they don't trust it and see malice where it isn't intended. I don't know. But I like to think that people I have always favored will at least be able to tell the difference.
The saddest part is I'm not filled with hate, or self gratifying contempt, or any of that other stuff. I don't seem to have the energy. Maybe I'm just mellowing with age or maybe I just am becoming used to the amount people are capable of sucking. Or maybe I just would rather invest my time with the people who prove worth it. This newfound resolve doesn't fill me with the self satisfaction of becoming "enlightened" though. I don't feel any superiority about being the better person in most cases.
No, because I had to become very,very disappointed in humanity to get to this point.
I think I would rather be the lesser person and still have my delusional optimism...