Well I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about the whole school thing than I was. I think part of it was talking to my Dad on the phone last night. Part of me was feeling that I was a bit old to be going back to school to follow my dream, and he reminded me that I'm still pretty young, and the importance of really committing yourself to what you really want to do.
I still am in a strong point of analysis. Figuring out dreams and goals is a very tricky thing. Yesterday, Rob and I were sitting at Katerina's, discussing my gallery idea. I have a great idea for making it both a coffeehouse and a gallery, how I would make it a single space but divided into two seperate establishments for ambiance's sake, and everything that would entail. It was an exciting idea, one that made my eyes light up.
I still am interested in school, and in developing my skills. And I still want nothing more than do be a professional animator, but I want to do this, too.
I haven't decided the manner in which I will go about this. I have a general idea. Maybe I'll do the gallery after I graduate, maybe I'll work towards it concurrently. But I definitely have it as a concrete vision. The important thing, though, is that I'm gradually working toward everything I want to do. I don't expect to do all of this overnight, but I know that I'm going to do them.
Sometimes I tell people of all my ideas and get a worried reaction, that I should start small, get the graphic design associates to fall back on, work a minimal responsibility job until then, and go from there. I know that a big part of this is the anxiety and depression of the past year, which really has held me back. But I wish they would stop typecasting me. I mean, I know that I have a lot of anxiety but I also know what is good for that, and how I can best overcome it. I know how to take care of myself. I did for years before they ever met me and will in years to come. Yeah, this has been a bad year. Yeah, it's been a frustrating year. In the past year I had a very disillusioning experience as an animation student at Columbia, my sister died, and my first shot at working in the corporate world wound up in the most nightmare company imaginable. And I will admit, that has taken its toll on me. But who wouldn't be fucked up by this? Granted, I may have taken it harder than most, but there's shit that would devastate some people I've taken in stride. Our reactions to such things are very personal and a composite of ideals, expectations and experiences we've spent a lifetime forming. Just because it has given me trouble doesn't mean I'm to be handled with kid gloves or that I am going to be like this for the rest of my life.
Well what can you do? I know the only thing I can do is kick into high gear with all my projects, and make up for lost time.
Oh, and for those of you who are following my Flash progress check this.
It's nothing fancy but I thought it was cute, and I had fun making it.