Oh man, this town really scares me sometimes.
Tonight, Rob and I went to the wayside.
The wayside is this god awful sports bar. But, it's near our house and their lounge is swank. Plus, the walls were getting claustrophobic.
Well, we went there and were ordering drinks. The music was horrible and it was filled with annoyng guys going "woop!woop!" in backwards baseball caps, and trashy women trying to sleep with them. But, we were getting drinks someplace besides our apartment, so it was not so bad.
The waitress was overly grateful for the tips we were giving which scared me. True, we're generous tippers but not abnormally so. But then, I hear that most people in this town are well below average in tipping, so I suppose it was more obvious.
After the second round, she asked if we were having fun. "anh, we got out of the house at least." I said non chalantly. "Well, at least the drinks are good." she said, as she walked away.
When she came back, she hardly said a word and shorted me about two bucks. She didn't even thank us, as opposed to the oozing we'd observed at the last round. The bar was dead as ever, so I knew she wasn't busy. It was very odd. In fact, it was about the oddest thing I'd ever seen.
Rob and I deducted that she simply had been offended by our response about a good time. We were the only people there who weren't dancing, weren't going "woop! woop!" and weren't desperately trying to get laid.
I have seen this before and it defies logic. People in this town seem to be intimidated by the slightest opinion, and if you do, no matter how general and inocuous it may be, they get really bent out of shape, act as if you've said "your mother is a junkie whore that wanders north avenue and gives midgets five dollar blow jobs" rather than the relatively innocent comment you have just made.
I've tried to figure it out. At first I thought it was because they were hicks, but I've known some damned opinionated hicks. After all, when you're a hick what else is there to do but guzzle booze and talk out of your asshole? Then I thought it was because they were hippies but hippies are too busy getting high and loving everyone to get bent out of shape about silly stuff. I thought it was a midwestern thing, but I've been elsewhere in the midwest and while they might aim to please more than other regions, they don't have paranoid psychotic episodes over the slightest thing.
Then I figured it out.
They're the living dead.
Seriously. They're a whole town, nay a whole region, of zombies. That's why they all look the same, that's why they have no personality, and that's why any indication of cynicism, any indication of an opinion, distresses them so. Because they're zombies, they all look the same and have no personality. After all, they're living dead and it's hard to be original when you're the living dead. When you express any opinion or human emotion, you show you are in fact mortal. That makes you the enemy, that makes you prey to have your brain eaten. Therefore, you have exposed yourself and they behave in a psychotic manner since they are contemplating how to get you alone and eat your brain.
I'm convinced of this. I have wracked my brain, and it's the only logical explanation I can think of.
Kalamazoo is the land of the living dead.