I dreamed that I was back in my graphic design class. My teacher imparted some sort of wisdom on me. She said something and it all clicked together. But I can't for the life of me recall what that was. It made me see something, some beautiful but largely inconsequential thing, that was the missing piece to the puzzle. Then, I began cutting and molding things together, some sort of arts and crafts project. A collage? I don't know.
I have been reading the biography of Diego Rivera. He's one of my favorite artists. As I read his work, I feel a deep need to somehow affect something with my work. I read about how he had a raw and primal talent, studied for years at a school in Mexico City, then went on to study in Spain, where he flourished. I think about what amazing work he did, how his life was this fearless devotion to art, and I just feel...empty.
Somehow this silence is on the verge of implosion, I feel this need to do more, to somehow influence more, have some kind of real significance, and I don't quite know how to do that, but I know that fear and practicality are my enemy.
Still...
There's that balance. There's idealistic whim and there's the voice of practicality, they're constantly at war and I don't like that.
I look at him, or conversely at posada who was virtually entirely self taught but was so incredibly influential. To this day, when someone thinks of day of the dead, they think of his work. And I wonder how someone gets that unwavering commitment, and then my life seems like some perpetual flux and confusion, and that makes me sad.
I need to keep a diary more religiously. I have been transcribing old diaries and am amazed at how much I captured of my daily life, and yet there's still so much I left out.
Moving in two days.
No word on the Volkswagen job. I suspect it's not happening, as my "in" told me about another company that might be hiring.
I still plan on looking primarily for a bar job but this would have been nice simply because the pay and benefits are both really good, and it would have been ideal on so many levels.