Urrg. All the stuff that would be interesting for me to study is basically pretty useless.

For example, I'm a good writer. I would love to study screenwriting but what the hell am I going to do with that? Well, I suppose I could try to sell my scripts, but it's one of those "gamble" majors, which has more of its graduates waiting tables than doing what they went to school for.

Or painting. I would love to study painting. And I have seen my work come really far over the past months and I know that I could get shows and sell my work. But why the hell go through the trouble of a degree for that? I may as well take some continuing education classes to develop my abilities, and have a lot less stress.

Or Art History. I would enjoy art history. But any job I could get in that requires a good seven to ten years of schooling, and in most cases you don't make much. I mean, you could really overspecialize, and then you write books and work in a museum and make good money, but again we're back to square one. The typical job doesn't even pay off the debts you incurred in school, even if you go state the whole way.

I just can't get too excited about the practical course. I know it would be pointless to go to school at this stage in my life just to get a worthless degree. But I also am just so tired of the voice in my head that says to be practical. The voice I've always heard, that urges me to take the reliable course of action, the voice that I've postponed and rebelled against for years.

Is there a time that comes when you need to have a certain amount of faith? Where you trust that you can develop the things that are your passion? Somehow, it seems like there needs to be a kind of balance between what we really want and daily reality. There has to be some sort of way to bridge that gap. There's a lot of stuff that just doesn't interest me. I don't want to spend my life under flourescent lights, I don't want a job that I could get fired from for no reason at any time after months and years of politics and phoniness and drudgery, and all because the fourth quarter profits were too low.

I'm not sure what that is or where it is. Maybe I'll just take the chances and if need be, just be a bartender for the rest of my life. I don't know. But there has to be an option besides postponing drudgery...