I had to force myself out of bed this morning. Seems that I've been going to sleep later and later. I wasn't even tired at three thirty this morning. I didn't wake up yesterday until two o clock.
Today, I had Rob wake me up at eleven.My first class isn't until two PM but I knew that if I didn't get up at a remotely decent time today, getting up tomorrow for my nine AM class would be sheer hell.
So, today I'm feeling depressed after having had really weird anxiety dreams all night long.
It seems one of the side effects of what happened to Jennifer is making me even more of a worrisome, neurotic freak than I already am. I seem to worry incessantly about the people I care about meeting their demise. I don't hear from my father for a few days, I worry. Whenever Rob boards a plane for a business trip, I worry. When a friend does something that could be potentially dangerous, I worry. It's a totally irrational thing that I can't help but do, and I really kind of hate it. It's ludicrous. I don't want to become one of those mother hen types that lives in fear of the next catastrophe. It's a lousy way to live, and to an extent it's not even really living, but it seems to be there, at the back of my mind, eating away at my thoughts.
And last night, my dreams were a muddle of all too obvious anxieties, which is just damned embarrassing. My dreams have been far too literal lately.
Looking over this past month's entries, I'm disappointed in myself. I don't feel very interesting. Too much worrying and pontificating over the same subject. It's like a vacuum was taken to my brain, sucking out all the innovative ideas that once existed up there.
I'm sorry. Maybe September will be a better month for me.