I just bought Nick Cave and the Bad Seed's "Tender Prey" recently.  It's a great album, it might even be a new favorite, outdoing Let Love In, The Good Son, The First Born is Dead and numerous others...
 Today is Rob's birthday. I gave him a robot monkey that I made out of clay. I also did a happy birthday puppet dance for him.
 I think I'm informally engaged. We have been talking about getting married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. We hadn't set a date on it, it was just something that we wanted to eventually do. Well, it turns out N8 and Bekka have plans to go to Vegas for Christmas and New Year's.  So Rob suggested we postpone Italy and greece in lieu of our Vegas wedding. So there it is. We actually have a time frame for the event.
 I got an email back from the KZoo Valley art department. The department head answered  some questions(and assuaged my concerns) about the animation program there. It just keeps looking more and more promising. It keeps looking like a done deal.
 I think a lot about moving. It will be nice to be some place where I can afford to go to school, and where I can realistically work part time while I go to school and actually make ends meet.
 I think about the down side of it all too. Of course there's that whole leaving friends behind thing which I still find very unsettling. All these moves have taught me that people really are irreplaceable. Anyone who says "you'll make new friends" doesn't know the value of friendship.
 Whenever you leave a place, you always say a lot more goodbyes than you feel you need to. Everyone comes out of the woodwork. You get all the "guilt luncheons" everyone has this odd responsibility. Every casual acquaintance that never went beyond the bar friend stage, suddenly wants to hang out with you and get to know you and tell you how they wish they'd had more time, when they really had all the time in the world. It's as if they feel responsibility for your leaving. As if a casual acquaintance, so easily replaced by a long string of casual acquaintances somewhere else could ever be that.
 And then there are the friends that really matter. Some beg you to stay. Some encourage you enviously, wishing they had the nerve to leave or hoping that they will soon follow, or simply hope you'll write so they can live vicariously through all these tales of some other place.
 You can't stay for them.
 As much as you might want to. As much as you might feel the pangs, fully knowing how invaluable they really are, that you can't let that sway your decision.
 Here I am, going down this road once again. I have a few friends here and I am quite happy with just a few friends.  I've had some really good times with them, and y es, I'll miss them. Sometimes we all get so caught up in our lives we lose sight of the things that matter. But that's neither here nor there, that's people. I also know I'm in a rut. I know there's a lot of frustrations in this town along with fun and excitement. I get frustrated that I'm not doing enough with my art, and trying to find the strongest path to that. Not the one of least resistance, but the path with the most potential. It might be tougher to trod down, but I want the path to take me to a place where I will no longer be that kid who was drawing comic books in Biology class, trying not to get caught. I want those drawings to be what gives me a paycheck. I no longer want to choose between making a clay robot for fun and filing mountains of papers to cover my head and fill my stomach. And I know that I won't be content until I can do that. And I know that if I spend so much of my time at jobs that suck my creativity, will and imagination I won't be that much fun to be around. I know that if I go ahead and do this, I can be a better friend than if I stay here in the current rut that I'm in.
 There's a bright side to all of this. Well, first and foremost, I'll only be a couple hours away and we'll have reasons to visit. Sure, the late night drunken movie nights may subside but there's still little weekend treks to catch up with people. Of course I know it's less organic than when someone's an el hop away, but at least I know they aren't far off.
 But the other side of this, which is the truly bright side to it all, is good friends never go away.  I mean it sounds cheesy but it's true. The good friends will stay in touch, keep up with eachothers' lives and generally be involved.  You don't have to live in the same town and with everyone and their dog on the internet nowadays, it's easier than ever to stay in touch. Fuck it, if being two hours away makes that big a dent in how involved you are in someone's life, then it's probably just as well. ..

  january                  pontifications