So while Rob and I were in Detroit, I had a lot of time to contemplate the planned trip to Kalamazoo, my reasons for leaving, and what I really want for a course of action.
I came to a realization about stuff.
Well, for one, I'm sick of moving. I haven't lived in the same town for more than three years since I was fourteen. As a child, I mainly moved around the same basic area of Pennsylvania, but since I was eightteen it's been one move after another. Into Philly at eightteen, to San Francisco at nineteen, to Flagstaff at twenty two, to Tucson five months after that, to Austin when I was twenty five, to Chicago when I was twenty seven, to Milwaukee when I was twenty eight, then back to Chicago after that.
You'll pardon me if I say I'm sick of this shit.
I've learned a lot from all my moves. I've learned that there's a multitude of cultures in this country. Of course there's the standard ethnic differences that come from a melting pot culture...there are very distinct values and traditions that someone who's Jewish has which varies greatly from someone raised Polish to someone raised Italian to someone raised Cuban. But even within these, they are colored by a very specific regional culture. Texans don't see the world through the same eyes that Californians do.
That said, moving has been a good thing in the same way as studying abroad would be. It teaches you to not have tunnel vision, to not judge people based on the manner in which you were raised, because you realize everyone has an equally valid history, traditions and social expectations.
But I learned something else, too. You can replace a problem one place with the next shiny object that you see on a map, and the problem goes away, but usually only as you've really begun to develop bonds, to integrate yourself with your surroundings, create memories and niches. It also means that the hurtles are still there, you just postpone them and tackle them under different trappings.
 While I am all for avoidance, "there is no problem so big or so small that it can't be run away from" as it was once said to me, I find myself wondering at the price. To leave because of hurtles means abandoning sentiment. To leave means to stall progress. It means to become defined based on the ease of the hurtles. You don't bend reality to your will (sorry to go all thelemic on your ass for a second there, but you get the point) your will gets bent to the perceived reality. And that is just not good.
 Why am I going to Kalamazoo? Is it just because there are clubs I avoid and that I haven't had the best luck with jobs?  Is it because I can get luxury and don't have to worry about the chaos quite so much? Or is it because I'm enamored, enticed, because it far surpasses the enjoyments I have here?
 I can't answer that.
And because I can't answer that, I'm not going to go. Atleast not yet. I'll find a nicer apartment in a better part of town. I'll find a better job than what I've had. I'll still visit Kalamazoo on a regular basis. And if in another year, I'm still compelled, then we'll talk.
But I'm just not ready to lay down and die just yet. The path of least resistance isn't always the best, hell it rarely ever is. Maybe I'll regret this, maybe I'll be miserable. Fine, let me be, but I'm not going to leave this city until I know thatI've conquered it.

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