So, have you ever had one of those situations where you learn a lesson the hard way, and then make the same mistake again, convincing yourself that the situation really will be different this time?
 Well I have. It sort of feels like my middle name right about now.
I had a dream when I was working at UIC, where I was back working office jobs. I hated being a secretary. But working part time hours and not knowing when I was going to get my measly paycheck, and having ethical differences with some of the agencies supporting their research, decided to give the secretary thing another shot. I told myself that I really liked doing a variety of mundane tasks in corporate america, that doing the stuff that nobody wanted to do, that was just utterly mind numbingly dull and monotonous in a world that feels like something out of office space. So I looked around a bit and got the temp contract position I've been talking about.
Yesterday, I had my first day.
I got up early. I was hating life. As much as I hate an 8:30 AM start time, I hate it worse in the wintertime. Here I was getting up when it was still dark out. I walked to the el, and took the train out to Rosemont. As I was getting off the train, I saw my friend Ted. We talked for a few minutes and I caught a cab down the street toward my first day of work.
 I walked into the corporate building with the first horde of identical zombies. I got up there, but the people I needed to meet with weren't in yet. I wasn't clear why I was there so goddamned early if no one else was going to be. Oh wait, I was the secretary without seniority. I was shown my cubicle, which hadn't been set up yet. It was an empty desk with no phone yet and no computer. I was a bit worried until it was explained to me that it was still being built.
 I was given some papers to staple. I didn't mind. I let my mind drift as I looked at the address on each letter. They were Michigan addresses, mostly in Detroit. I was suprised how many I recognized, just from visiting with Rob. This only lasted for about ten minutes when I was called over to a different cubicle. Apparently there was an important project that needed to be done. They had a spreadsheet with a list of client names. There were a lot of duplicates on said sheet, so they needed me to go through quite literally 20,000 listings. I was instructed to put a "one" by every name except the duplicates and total it. I spent, literally, hours doing that. I spent the entire morning doing that,went to lunch, came back, got back to it, did it for a couple more hours and was finally finished. Thank fucking god, I became introspective as I worked, reflecting on situations and sliding into memories but that only barely kept me from going batshit crazy. I finally finished it and went back to stapling papers. Not five minutes later, the woman I was working on the project for, and told me she'd found mistakes. A lot of mistakes. Fuck. I would need to fix them. So I went back as she reiterated how vitally important it was, because this was going to their lawyers and auditors and had major work due by the end of business day Wednesday.
 I already felt like an idiot. I really wanted to leave a positive impression and I really had been trying hard all day to do a good job on the spreadsheet (my daydreaming not withstanding) to the point of nearly going blind for staring at this thing for so long. Of course hearing about how important this was and how much I needed to concentrate didn't help.
I looked at what needed to get done. It was a very stupid mistake. Apparently, I had gotten the lines screwed up and everything was a line above where it needed to be. I would need to go through and proofread and fix everything. It would take hours to do this.
Ugh.
See, since childhood I've had a quirk. I am bad at details. I suppose I shouldn't do secretarial shit as it's all in the details, but it's the most money available to me at this point in my life. Try as I might, when I'm doing something that's mundane, or that simply doesn't grab my interest, I get sloppy with the details. I don't mean to, but I seem to space out. I try to concentrate, but I can't. Of course, being a reasonably intelligent person and because these mistakes I make tend to be sloppy and stupid,  people usually get mad at me, thinking I just am not taking time with my work.  This happened to me at my last serious job, it happened to me as a kid, and I was upset it was already happening here.  So I was mad at myself and struggling with this. The fact that I had lied about my job history was really starting to fuck with me too. I felt like a liar just by being there, and I remembered why I tend to swear by honesty. Nothing makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place like lying. I'm not good at keeping up pretenses or being phony, and lying makes me feel like I'm cheating myself. This was not helped by people deciding that they wanted to pick my brain and learn all about my life. Suddenly I had all these facts to keep straight.
 A little before five, I went home. I felt awful. Anxious and drained and not wanting to think about the fact that I had to be back there tomorrow.
 Rob and I went to dinner, and my anxiety over the whole situation got worse. This wasn't what I wanted for my life and I couldn't believe that I was stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. I knew this wouldn't get any better and I could feel the ulcer building. Worse, I really felt responsible to the people who gave me the job. I felt responsible to live up to the lies that I had told about myself regarding why I was perfect for the job and responsible to the expectations they had of me. I couldn't find a good way to get out of it.
 After much angst over the matter, self analysis and net induced escapism, I went to sleep. A few hours later I got up to go to work. My stomach was completely cramped up, I couldn't even consider drinking coffee. I knew that if I did. I would throw up.
 Fuck it.
 Yeah I know that my anxiety is a bit extreme. I mean, logically, it's a damned secretary job and shouldn't be a problem for me. I don't know why that environment is so troublesome for me, or why the work is so frustrating. And yeah I know I could probably stand to learn a few stress management techniques. When I get into high stress situations, I tend to get insomnia which of course doesn't help in that whole making stupid mistakes department.
But you know what? I'm going to do that in my own time. My current goal is to not pursue any jobs that I have to lie through my teeth to get. I'll take small steps, and I'll go in a natural course, not pretend to be something I'm not just so I'll get a level of cash that I think is up to the current cost of living in this city. I don't want to ever have to lie like that again and maybe I'll never be the phony personality that I need to be to fit into a job like that. But you know what? I don't think I want to, either.

 january      pontifications