I'm feeling kind of depressed this morning.
I've been listening to Current 93, drinking my coffee and trying to get motivated to do, well, just about anything.
I've had these strange dreams where something is revealed to me again. I get handed two containers, and I have to pick one which determines the direction of my life. I am often angry at what container I pick, but when I wake up I can't remember what is in each container. Other dreams are just these mangled things, running through cities, having distorted things happen, vague dangers.
And I wake up with this unshakable sense of malaise.
I talked to a girl the other day who had walked out on her job. I told her about the candy making place in case she became desperate. I did this figuring that since she had the same basic skill set and experience as me, it might be tough for her to find a job.
It turns out she found a job after just two days of looking.
I'm happy for her, or as happy as I can be for someone I've never met and only talked to on AIM a few times. But she seems like a decent person and she needed to find a job, fast. So as far as that goes, I am happy for her.
But at the same time, I can't help but feel a little bad. I mean, I've been looking for two months. Two lousy, stinking months. And I don't even get people looking at my application when I hand it in. It seems like it takes every ounce of courtesy for them to not rip it up in my face. If I do get called for an interview, as soon as I get there, I hear the "this position has been filled" bullshit.
It really brings up the inevitable question of, 'what the hell is wrong with me'? I mean, I have a fair amount of work experience, I have a decent resume. I'm neat, clean and professional. I dress nice. I'm friendly and engaging. I don't get it. Did I get blacklisted and did nobody bother to tell me? Is there something about me that magically repulses Detroit hiring managers? I mean, what the fuck?
The boy tried to tell me that "she has a car and knows where to go". Okay, although I appreciate his attempt to make me feel better, the fact is the boy knows the area as well as she does, and for the first month and a half we were here, he was able to make time to look with me. And even if his theory were correct, that would be a rationale for it to take me a month instead of two days, it doesn't explain why I still can't find anything two months later. I mean, car or not, I've applied a lot of places, but still only wound up with these shitty factory jobs or just vile telemarketing jobs. I have never seen anything remotely like this. Not anywhere I've ever lived. I know I say that a lot, but honestly I don't get it.
I've never had much luck getting my "dream job" but I've always been able to find stuff with relative ease. You know, a bookstore job or an office job or a waitressing job. I guess I thought that it was just the economy being bad, but other people don't seem to be having half as much trouble which is making me feel like a bit of a freak.
Like I said, I'm depressed today.
I'm going to stop. I'm giving myself a headache.