I've mulled over a lot of my feelings regarding people in general, and all the contributing factors to my misanthropy. It is no secret that I do not like people very much, on the whole. But I also have been questioning the driving forces regarding my misanthropy. I know my hatred is not pure. I am so happy with seclusion when enough situations end up in just meaningless shit, end up in that sort of feeling you get when you're trapped at a bar with someone shallow and sleazy offering a back rub. Ever go to a bar that's overpriced and go home only to realize that you spent five times more than you should have and didnt get drunk or even have fun? Well picture that on a socio-personal level and you'll know why I dont always want to go out.
But it is more than that, more than hermit inclination. Underneath is a hatred that I just can't understand everything. I have often been told that I am too quick to think the best and that it is too difficult for me to understand the great glob of suck that so many seem to succumb to. Perhaps that is true but it is also true that even from a distance I like to figure out why people are the way they are. I try to see the underlying motivations. It's a tricky thing that. And there's that nasty feeling, one that inspires loathing, when I realize that some people are just vapid and selfish. Hmm, why are they breathing our air? Why isnt something done about this? I face this all the time: sitting in a restaraunt, overhearing a conversation or riding on the train, or watching a car cut off an ambulance.
Understanding is truly a scarce thing and it's an elusive thing. I might tangle with this in everything from the irritating co worker to the dear friend that I can't always see eye to eye with. Sometimes I don't figure it all out, I accept that is how they are and I may never know why, but as long as they are someone that is worth crawling out of the shell for instead of pushing me further into it, then it is all for the best. I guess. And sometimes you do understand on some level. What you do with that understanding is a different thing.
So does this mean that Im a true misanthropist? I mean there is a whole laundry list of things that inspire to my hatred and sadly it is much longer than the list that inspires my trust...but I will spare you that list for now. After all, Mr. Rice does a much better job of describing it than I could hope to, and I have to get ready to go drink. Around people, no less. What can I say? You gotta keep the walls from taunting you sometimes ;-)