I was taking a cab home from seeing Rob off to Columbus.
It was a long fare, and I just stared out the window not saying a word to the cabbie.
It dawned on me just how anonymous everything is. Here was a cabbie, not making conversation. I'd been here two years and I can't believe how used to this I've become. I've been so many places where cab drivers range from annoyingly flirtatious (come on, I know a ploy for tips when I see one) to innocuous but simple chatterbugs to these cool, wacky freaks that I build a tentative friendship with. Here, it's always the same. A long ride in silence, and I'm grateful when they don't pull some scam in an effort to jack up the fare.
 I watched all of twin peaks this weekend.
I fantasize about Kalamazoo being like twin  peaks . Not exactly like it, but in a way. I figure it like this. Kalamazoo reminds me of Flagstaff. Twin Peaks reminds me of Flagstaff. Therefore, Kalamazoo must be like Twin Peaks, right?
Heh, and people wonder why I question the "A" I once got in my logic class.
 My tattoo looks bad. There's crevices. Goddammit. I knew that the guy was rushing way too much on my piece. I've taken great care of it too. Probably when I have rob (not Rob my boyfriend, techie genius and robot monkey extraordinaire but Rob, the cool biker tattooist that did my I Feel Sick arm piece.) do Jennifer's etching, I'll see if he can't zap me in a few spots on my legs. Wonderland tattoo in Detroit rocks, and Rob is a great tattooist. However, Harlan at Deluxe Tattoo in Chicago left me horribly disappointed. He rushed too much, was very unconcerned with the piece, my experience or anything besides getting his $150.00. Dammit, tattooing is an art form and people like the ones at Deluxe really piss me off. Oh well, I know to stick to Wonderland.
 Anyhow, Deluxe got me thinking. Everyone in Chicago is so joyless. From the cab driver to the bartender to the tattooist. I mean I was devoid of joy as a secretary but I thought it was just the work. But come to think of it, most of the jobs I've found have been drab and disappointing. It's a pity, really. Joylessness begets joylessness too.
I mean, I know I'm a lot more sensitive to my environments than most. I do good in neat little communities like Tucson. Someplace like Chicago starts to get under my skin a bit faster than it might someplace else. But really,  I can't help but wonder at the utter joylessness. It's sad really, and just goes to show you that there's a lot more to life than four AM bars and twenty four hour diners and a nice paycheck.
Since I mentioned on my Yahoo profile that I was moving to Kalamazoo, I've had a few folks send me instant messages to discuss my moving plans. See, that kind of friendliness is just really nice, and I have to say I've missed it. Granted I might be a little afraid of strangers and I can appreciate and understand aloofness, there really is something to be said for unassuming, unpretentious friendliness.
 I've opted to do temp work until I leave. When I first had my problem at the healthcare company, I entered into a bit of a crisis. I worried that the pressure was too much for me.
 It was then I realized that pressure is always there, but it's a question of managing it.
I bought the Golden Dawn Tarot. I like the Golden Dawn, they have a lot of techniques that help in self analysis. But even more than that, I like giving myself tarot readings. I'd forgotten about how good it was. It gives a real discipline in categorizing by metaphor, at looking deeply into a personal situation in a very intuitive yet detatched manner, and it has brought questions to mind in ways where they're a lot clearer than they would be otherwise. As a result, I've been in an intensely introspective period and that makes me very happy.
 I don't think I've liked a single job since I've been here. They often want so much more from me than they should for what they pay and how far the money goes. They are impersonal environments, often oppressive. The pressure is a knob that's cranked as high as it can go, like putting the heat on eighty on a ninety degree day. I've looked relelntlessly for an alternative. Some place where I can be myself and yet feel productive, a place where I can have a cool conversation in between all the blandness but all I see is more joyless blandness lacking even the bond that inmates might share.
 And I realized that while it is never good to recognize a bad situation, well, some situations just plain suck.
But I feel good.  I think there's joy to be had. Once I leave, I know I'll find  a job and it might even be cool but also, I'll be going to school t follow my dreams. And that's irreplaceable.

 january               pontifications