I finally got around to unsubbing to every goth list Im on. There werent many anymore, just the ones that Rob ripped up. But you know, as I sat ripping up Saturnalia flyers Tuesday night--not out of malice but because it seemed confetti was the best use for them--I started thinking "maybe I'll stay on because these last two lists are low volume," but when is the last time I saw something that wasnt idiotic and was actually quasi-intelligent?
Which brings me to a gripe. Okay this is what I dont get. See, Ive slowly burnt out on the scene. It's so childish and it was only a means to an end anyways; something to do, it was never the pinnacle of my existence and I never really was too much of a scenester. So I've slowly outgrown it. But I see a lot of folks for whom it is the pinnacle of their existence, and they always seem to be the ones that badmouth it, all the while making it a really big part of their day to day existence. And that's what gets me. It seems like it's the "cool" thing to hang out in the scene, either in the clubs or online, and to talk about how phony everyone else is, like you're the only sincere one in the lot, all the while not wanting to be part of anything that doesn't fit into your self designated label. All the while being aware of who thinks what of whom, where the cool spots to be, and in general following the herd as much as possible. This is baffling. I think I would rather hang around a bunch of mindless groupies, because atleast they know what they are. They dont pretend to be anything else, telling whomever's around whatever they want to hear. Fuck, I left Texas to get away from that bullshit. The "I was just talking shi--I mean I was just talking about you" syndrome. The ones that want so desperately to be liked, even from those they despise. But I digress. The point is, I am constantly baffled by those who are so desperate to be liked that they will disavow the very thing they spend so much of their waking time a part of, spend so much time condemning the attriubutes they so clearly seek out, and may indeed possess themselves.
let's not forget the special interest groups...you know the ones, the pride goth list, the plus goths, the goths of color. The list goes on. Now Im all for special interest groups where needed, but when it comes to something which is basically fashion and music, it doesnt matter. Who in the goth scene cares if you're gay or bi? Hell, it's more suitable to the image to be bi than it is to be straight and in the early days if you hadn't atleast tried getting it on with someone of the same gender, you were a prude and a suburbanite. So you're bigger boned and you dont think you look as hot in a corset as someone skinnier. Big fucking deal. So a bunch of pasty white upper middle class brats take for granted the different cultures and backgrounds that other people have. You know why that is? It's not because they're racist, it's because they're a bunch of self centered, spoiled brats that cant think about anyone but themselves. That's what happens when you have a scene based more on fashion and vanity than anything else. Is this any reason to bemoan the fact that you arent part of that prototype?
Or does it run deeper than that?
Let's think about this for a minute. Let's think in terms of motivations. Now, while it is clear that, in mainstream society, one might feel the compunction to have a sub group that they feel describes them more specifically, in an already over-specialized subculture it becomes a very different matter entirely. One could argue that such a specific group are inherently attention gaining. That the scene itself is so small that one doesn't face the same issues that make special interest groups an important part of mainstream culture. One could also argue that, since it is a scene, not an institution or political or religious group, that one is free to come and go as they please, express themselves as they please, and anyone who feels it doesnt meet their needs, doesnt like the attitudes involved, have the option of going elsewhere. Most of the arguments I have heard havent offered up real circumstances as to why they're needed besides that "the general perception is that people like me arent part of the goth scene." Hmm. So in other words, some goths feel insecure. Gee, I've never seen that before. I mean, come on people, it's not like we're talking about something that has a great contribution to society that you're being excluded from. And it's not like there arent other venues out there for self expression that might actually be less factionalized and more mature. Are you going to live your life whining about general perceptions, or are you going to stop obsessing over what people think and do your own thing?
But it goes even further than this. It draws one to the conclusion that productivity, a thriving subculture and intellectual expansion arent the concerns...the concerns are so specialized that it lends one to think that these are a group of people so damned image obsessed that they have to have their immediate circle be exactly like them to a tee. After all, if someone isnt like you they might disagree with you. If they disagree with you they might challenge you. And we cant have that, can we?
I have decided that this world is divided into two categories. Those that do and those that make excuses for why they cant. People that explore their own mind, speak for what they believe to be the truth, and those that spend their time worrying about how they look, how to fit in. People that want to challenge their own thoughts, and those that live in terror of the fear that they might lose face.
I cant
speak for anyone else. I know what I see, I know what I want to be a part
of and what I no longer have the need to be exposed to. I have learned
all I can, and want to drive my mind, my will, my soul into new places.
And life is too short to be surrounded by phoniness. I have had enough
smoke blown up my ass to send messages to a distant country. I'd rather
know what it all means, and that entails carving out my own meaning. And
that means bucking in the face of self restriction. As well as distancing
myself from all who would cling to that in its suffocating, mind numbing
glory.
"the voluntary relinquishing of responsibility for our lives and our actions is one of the greatest enemies of our time."
-Genesis P. Orridge