I actually had
a decent night's sleep last night, the first one since before we went out
of town.
I've been giving a
lot of thought to the things that went wrong at the job disaster (tm).
You remember the one, working for a medical company and where I had such
an angst filled day there that I couldn't go back.
I think the root of
my problem is that I'm just not picky enough. I guess this has been a recurring
theme in my life. I've tangled it in different aspects of my life, and
the job aspect seems to be the most prevalent right now.
What I think
it is, is that I've worked a lot of crappy jobs, and that when I get a
good offer, even if I don't think I'll like the job, I just take it. I
mean, I knew that I didn't want this job, just like I knew I didn't want
the Safety Management job. In the case of Safety Management, I'd been looking
for awhile and it was finally just starting to pay off. I had an offer
but I also only had forty eight hours to respond. I had two second interviews,
both of which proved to be promising, but I wasn't sure I should chance
it when I had a done deal right in front of me. I had gotten better vibes
off of both other places, and very well might have had much greater success
with them, but I didn't want to chance that. The second time I was looking
it was over the holidays. It was pretty slim pickings. So, I walked out
of the interview,filled with angst, not terribly thrilled about the position
but took it because it paid $15./hr and they were willing to give me the
position. Wouldn't fate have it that a couple weeks afterwards, I started
getting tons of responses to my resume. At this point, I was pretty sure
I was moving and didn't follow up because I didn't think I would be here
long enough for it to be worth it.
So as the date
to moving approaches, I contemplate what went wrong to consider how to
amend it. I think the big thing is to not accept the first thing that comes
my way. In other words, trust that I will have the opportunity to be picky
even if it isn't immediately present and look at the long haul not the
here and now.
I'm also trying
to put all my ducks in a row. Rob tells me this is unnecessary over thinking
but I don't really care. I know myself and I know stuff turns out better
for me if I have a contingency plan to stick to. The one thing I'm trying
to figure out is whether I want to work the first semester or not. I will
get enough aid to live off of, but not until I've completed 12 credit hours.
Rob is willing to cover me for a few months and let me pay him back when
the money comes in, but I'm not sure I want to do that. Hell, I'm not sure
I want to just live off of financial aid. It's appealing on the one end,
because I could totally dedicate myself to school and I've always wanted
to do that. But on the other end, I'm almost thirty years old, and being
the full time student with no work responsibilities just feels weird. And
I don't know that I want that little control over my finances, either.
I think I may just take twelve credit hours the first semester regardless.
Fifteen credit hours might be an intense load for the first semester, and
it would be nice to have the extra cash.
My other concern
is my past academic record. I dropped out of both MATC and Columbia College.
At MATC that was after getting the full financial aid. At Columbia it was
after getting the pell grant. So I might have to prove a GPA before I can
get any aid whatsoever. If that happens, I would either take nine credit
hours or twelve credit hours, preferring to take a long time studying over
risking a lower GPA because of trying to bite off more than I can chew.
The big thing
is I don't want to take some student job. I mean, I have friends who do
that, but for the most part they are at least a good five years younger
than me. I just feel weird working at a cafe when I'm thirty. It's embarrassing.
Not that there isn't merit to doing that, but I just feel that I'm getting
too old for that. You know, when I graduate, it would be nice to prove
that I've been in the corporate world for a bit, and that I have substantial
life experience. Who knows, I'm sure it'll depend on how the factors all
play out. I don't want to gamble on this one, though. And whether I take
a lesser schedule and work, or cut back on the working and go to school
will depend on what is least likely to jeapordize my school plans.
One thing I've learned
about turning thirty though: people can give all sorts of reassurance about
how you aren't old, that you have your whole life ahead of you and you're
still young but that doesn't mean squat unless the person is old enough
to have gone through the age angst themselves...
february
pontifications