didn't go into the lab.

I flushed The Fool sigil down the toilet. You know, water for emotions. Watch, it will clog the toilet.

It was the only instance where a group of people have discussed the often complex realities of relationships in a way that applied to my life, in a way I could relate to.

I decided to take the E. Euro film class.

The world is coming to an end. There was a Hegel reference on the Golden Dawn mailing list and an astrology reference on the existential mailing list.

Why does my failure in therapy bad experience in therapy cause me to be discouraged about my own potential as a therapist? Shouldn't I use it as a driving force for how not to be, an insight into how harmful a bad therapist can really be? The haze lifts slightly. My cognitive distortions are still there but I can see more clearly.

I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Went to bed around 7:30 pm.

I can't bring myself to do it. No matter how I justify it, no matter how I rationalize it...

Does everyone burst with needs and I happen to be in the room at the time? I can keep it in, usually...why can't they? How can people spill their most delicate parts to strangers, to people that are just transient shadows in their life, when they have no desire for more with, how can they face the day with no line of trust, no intimate parts of themselves kept close in themselves...?

This coffee lacks something. Froth, that's it. I woke up with a feeling of peace... What did I dream?

You know, these...people are a little weird. I'm not sure I relate.

At this point I'm weary of the question...

Don't put this on me.

It seems like the answer must be staring me right in my face, it must be embarrassingly obvious, like a simple word in a crossword puzzle, that if someone were to tell me I'd have one of those "Oh...duh!" moments but no one's giving me the answer and I've been staring at the same letters for so long that the letters have long since lost all meaning.

Some good news for a change: I got a call from the lab. They want me to go out on a HALO study in Port Huron tomorrow. Of course I said yes.

Rational thought resumes...

Time stands still for just a moment, on the brink between memories and hope, there were some good times then and it's like they aren't quite gone, it's so real in my brain that I can almost touch it...

an effigy is sent to honor, not to forsake...

Fragments jump through my brain.

That should keep me busy. Important. I need to be busy enough that I don't have time to ruminate. That I don't have time to ask myself those hard questions that have no good answers. It's not denial if I realize I'm doing it, right?

...and I'm sweaty and gross to boot...

So, it's all about focusing will.

Happy to take Russian. That's my dream. Remember John Teacher in the seventh grade?

Today feels surreal. Like a new era. And not just because I took the warren bus all the way here.

I think I'm past the point where I--

Everyone seems like a cannibal these days

I'm just so tired. I need a break. The agitation...drains...me. What have I become?

Too much chatter...

...this is too familar...

how do I....?

(<--cognitive distortions...maybe so, but they're mine.)

I came into the graduate library, put on my headphones, sobbed for a long time. I stared at the graffiti on the wall in front of me. Mostly trashy and vulgar. I scribbled, "what did I do to make you hate me?"

And I thought of it on many levels.

But I swear to God there was a point when...

Suffice to say, I bailed.

Perhaps I would rather enjoy my ignorance, have the occasional inconvenience, but be able to do it for myself?

I really am not this anal retentive.

I just want to be honest now.

....I have a headache....

But it was my choice. Regardless.

(and I can't sort through anything to save my life.)

Reminds me of being a kid. Houses with that weird smell. The smell of cooking, of tradition.

I'm lost, I knew I should have made that right turn at Albuquerque. Hah! Existential angst, Bugs Bunny style.

This is fun.....?

Something has to give soon.

The guy at Luna talked to me for a few minutes then wrote down a note in the "interview notes" area.

and sometimes the fear creeps in...

I'm so tired.

Sometimes I come away thinking there was some cue I missed...

(<--- code. Figure it out.)

Funny. Tho' of course defies logic. Still, we'll see.

Friday the 13th. Obviously.

But there are no easy answers.

Fuck. It's just daunting.

....replace one kind of neurosis for another...

(sometimes I annoy myself)

I want to take a nap on this table.

My horoscope told me, via quoting Kierkegaard, that I had some wrong assumptions, that I needed to challenge them, I'd courageously climbed halfway up the mountain and would I overcome the assumptions enough to climb the rest of the way over?

Sometimes I think that............................

Nevermind. Enough excuses. Your life is what you've made it.

I don't think the frothy part should be tan.

Ugh, these memories are like a dirty film I can never quite wash off of me.

I'm not going crazy, I am crazy. How come nobody sees it but me?

Actually, I am a bit spacy. Hard to say.

...but it all worked out, even if I was a spazz...

Anyways, I digress.

But I realize how little effect it has in my life, how little it relates to who I am.

And it's all coming to a head...

The sky is falling.

I've waited long enough.

-I dreamed about cyrillic last night.

Note: Star is "Venus through Aquarius upon Luna" and five of swords is venus in aquarius.

I know the truth is somewhere in between.

Anyhow, trying to figure out where I fit into all this attachment stuff.

My shoulder hurts.

I need to... Have a mocha-cha-cha and study.

I should call tonight. I don't actually want to. But what the fuck else am I going to do?

...if this is what nine hours of sleeping does for me, I'll happily go back to insomnia...

I'm finding more and more that I react to people on a visceral level.

I'm a coward, just like the rest of them. I like to think I'm such an exception but I suspect I'm more human than I could ever admit.

...yes,I am OCD...

You get what you pay for, I guess.

Yeah, I won't be going back.

Although this time his hiding was more mischievous than melancholy.

Obviously, this has far reaching implications...why am I so negative lately?

I need a cigarette. And a mini-thin.

sign

back

more