Life's too short and this planet is too crowded.

I also don't know how someone could hang out at the Magic Stick but say THE BRONX is too hip for them...

We all pick who we want our allies to be.

Strange dreams last night.No, nightmares. And it was this morning.

I realized I was in trouble, all my evils (in the dream I had done some horrible thing in my past) had been discovered and he was going to take me to jail.

There's a reason I don't typically trust people that act too friendly,that seem to want to be my friend too quickly...

A day of finalities, with that feeling you get wandering aimlessly, contemplating another period of transition...cyclical, I can pursue beginnings another day...

*Maybe it takes as much faith--or more-- to believe in nothing as it does to believe in something.

Always the same theme. Something. Something concrete. If you can handle the upheaval. Like driving up a cliff at 90 mph on the back of a motorcycle to reach a mansion someone's giving you.

Hmm, I almost wrote "April". Nostalgic, perhaps?

...but that was promising...what was most optimistic to me, too, was just that there was someone willing to go to that much effort. Made me feel liked...like I have friends or at least that I'm capable of making them, that all is not lost...

When did I become so neurotic?

-I left for a reason-

Quiet desperation rears its ugly head.

Hastiness is only the product of anxiety.

I had nightmares last night. One of them was so bad I had to get up and walk around.

This is unhealthy. It hurts. It's inexplicable. I don't idealize. I don't expect perfection. And I no longer have the words to describe.

And I can't handle knowing it's all my fault.

-I'm obsessed with independence

<--this is too gray, because there's a visceral thing that's needed.

Do I expect perfection?

There's no way, There's just no fucking way!!!

I'm completely fucking hyper.

(I want to smash something.)

'Bye 'bye self esteem. I'll miss you.Be sure to visit sometime.

...it washes over me. You say it's better. Well, for me it's not.

The key to intuition is being able to discern between insecurity and gut feelings.

Irrational emotionalism.

I passed The Bronx and wanted to drink then I reminded myself it was only one pm. Thus exercised restraint.

...there have been puppets with less strings...

My stomach hurts and I can't sleep...again. Weighing nice things with stagnation.

Have to explore that.

...I do best in environments where I can gradually establish a feeling of competency...

3:16 am. Don't feel like sleeping. Re-reading old diaries.

I wish I could remember my dreams. Something about a stadium and--

I overthink things.

And I feel sloppy. Bleeding my worst emotions all over someone's,everyone's, pretty white rug wanting something, anything to give me a sign.

(...I saw myself through your eyes and I never wanted amnesia so badly.)

...you can't have a crisis of faith when you have no faith to begin with...

I had another dream where I went out for a minute but the city was confusing.I took a train and got hopelessly lost but wound up in Greektown. I decided to have a drink.

The phone rings.A law firm. Well, a collection agency disguised as a law firm.

And I know I can make all the things I want to happen...I know I can pull this off on my own. It just requires patience, more than I have...

Is it religion or magical thinking? What's the difference, really?

Wanting desperately to explain, yet knowing that I never could...how could I possibly say "censored"? And how could I possibly say "censored"? and I just get crushed under the weight.

Got to stop making the grad library my own personal self pity station.

...I was just too out of control with my feelings but then I noticed that the restraint was in deference to them, not in avoidance of them.

Ugh, I fucked up this coffee but good.

I need to put these damned diaries away and stop raking up the past. It's too masochistic.

Huh. Maybe she was right about this one.

...whimpering in his sleep.I listened to hear what he was muttering but no luck.

Of course, I was drunk that night and I often feel stupid when I drink especially if I combine ephedrine.

and suddenly, seems like an option.

Barstools kill my back. Should I move to a table?

And I feel so much clearer and more rational now that Jennifer's death day has passed. I was right to isolate myself in the interim.

Um, define "fine"

Right more often than wrong. At times exaggerated at times stunningly accurate, but mostly reliable.

But I also know when I pretend to be worried about these things, it's really just hope, I need words...I need truth...and I'll sacrifice my comfort and my ego to get them...

Feeling depressed.

So, disappointment yet happiness. Restriction yet swiftness.

Still can't knock this feeling I've done something wrong.

Toothache.

when asking for more details...

the fool: wild and impulsive, not listening to reason, ruled by ideals and spirituality, causes kindness on the one hand but strife and conflict on the other...

I've been desperately trying to get myself to believe...

....................oh really?.....................

this is some karmic thing to suck me in and spit me out, to invite me into a long time dream for the purpose of proving to me that I don't belong here.

I also am not taking ephedrine today in the hopes that I would be less irritable and impatient. No luck. I'm as surly as ever, just tired. Hmm. I guess I must just be an asshole then.

I was drunk and self absorbed. Oops. I guess an entire bottle of Chilean wine will do that to you,huh?

I bailed early. I would have told someone but there was no one there to tell.

Oh sweet Jesus, don't you ever shut up? Would that I had a roll of toilet paper to stick in your mouth.

I try to be oblivious to the stares of strangers. When I notice them, I feel annoyed and intruded upon. Do you really need to ask why?

-on an unrelated note, I've decided people, in general, freak me out.

I'm buying him a tail for Christmas. Yes, I've decided. That way, everyone can look at him and know what kind of day he's having.

Wish I could get over my psych funk.

and I can't stop gorging on fannie mae.

I just want to stay at home and paint.

Things feel different. Not different in that subtle way but in that epic way, like in Mulholland drive, when the world suddenly snaps out, away from the dream reality and the harsher, less idyllic reality takes hold. "Silenzio!" ...and yet on some level, you suspect that both happened, just on a different plane of perception.

The group mind only exists among the banal.

Then...I felt exhausted.

You've shown restraint. You'd display steadiness, but it would result in melancholy, trapped by base influences.

The vibe was weird.

mom, quit reading my diary.

I think I want to buy a Vespa. It could be the answer to all my problems.

wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Fuck it, I'll get back to the earlier thought later.

I'm sure I bombed my developmental exam. Hope I can pull through with a 'b'

...he put his arm around me and told me that he had to leave for San Diego...

Bright side, I'm making the gossipy nature of things work for me. Downside, I'm obsessing again.

Sure, her life sounds exciting but remember when you were enmeshed in all of that? It's more fun to listen to than it is to experience.

Hmm...does that make me a cognitive-behavioral chaos thelemite? Closet thelemite.

I want to run far,far away but where? And to what?

I still wonder why all those people act weird though...

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