I'm certain I want to go into a research-only grad program.

I dreamed Central Washington University called me and asked me if I was attending...

I also dreamed that tivo was deleting shows before we could watch them.

I'm freaked about the not getting grades...

At night, I lay down and feel this indescribable terror,,,like I'm falling into nothingness.

It's not true I don't understand.

Drinking my espresso.

Well, I was able to find almost all my books.

I got my books-looked through the book...for physical and...excited me profoundly.

"very nice" in that context probably means...

I'm in chaos, trying not to panic about my grades.

So much to sort through in my head. So hard to make sense of it.

This morning, I got my grades.

Well, not Kant, still. But, Theory of Knowledge.

A fucking 'B'. How depressing.

I've been out sick for the past few days. I was finally able to drink coffee today.

I'm so...torn...why don't I still know what I want to do with my life?

Academic future seems shrinking before my eyes.

Guiltguiltguiltguilt.

Classes start today.

Fear stirred inside me with every overturned card.

Terror at doom and repetition of the past.

I have ennui.

French Fries, now back at Java ? with their recently jacked up coffee prices.

But Dr. Fischer's class absolutely rocks. It looks very cool. He even has invited students to tour his lab by appointment and see his sea slugs. (by the seashore. Sorry, can't stop making that joke.

My neck and shoulders are killing me.

and so I quickly panicked and pretended not to see him.

Then my internal censor failed me.

but as I left, I swore I heard name deleted's annoyingly perky and girly voice.

I traded French for Italian--hated that class. Might as well go with Italian.

I feel good,overall. I love my classes. At least my psych ones.

I should dye my hair but I feel too sluggish.

Good weekend--shoulder hurts.

UT Austin has some interesting lizard research.

I keep flashing back to...

Brr, it's cold.

This name deleted guy is...weird.

He's been talking to me on Yahoo Messenger. He claims he's a Motivational Interviewing trainer but he isn't listed as a certified MI trainer.

I'm afraid of everyone.

At one point I jumped in and gave the correct answer but then my nose felt all snotty again so I put my head down in a state of sheer TERROR.

As I did, some blonde barbie gave me dirty looks.

It's getting a little ridiculous with the people I run into around here.

So...I went with Italian. The woman's a little intense but I'll catch up.

Intro to Clinical sucked last night.

I feel so torn about clinical.

In class...the woman reminded me of name deleted...and all the types I hate.

What did that woman name deleted say? That they'd call in a supervisor or shift therapist if you really couldn't empathize.

I still---

Increasing frustration on my part...

It's also possible she might have been unstable.

I'm an asshole.

and as she left, I thought, you clearly have had too much exposure to crazy by your gratuitous use of the word.

But...oh damn! Missed my chance!

Living in this town, going to this school, filled with all these unintelligent, self absorbed twits is turning me into a real asshole.

I feel more confident and less dorky and I'm wondering if it's maybe the mini-skirt.

Shit or get off the pot.

Bombed my Italian test.

My recognition was stellar but my recall was for shit.

I don't care about Italian--as long as I get As in my Psychology and Science courses and maintain a 3.5--that's what matters.

Brr. It's SERIOUSLY cold.

Oh class was good,though.

We talked about the neuroscience aspect of echolocation.

I can't concentrate on this genetics crap.

This book is so dry...ugh.

I remembered the lab...

I dont want to go to class!!!

(Do it for the monkeys...)

Sometimes I remember the lab and how excluded I felt and don't want to do labwork ever again...