So,I'm feeling extremely paranoid.

She was friendly,though she looked out the corner of her eyes at me as she left.

and wondering what to expect...

Weird dreams last night.

sometimes the line between the two seems so pathetically slim, thin and fuzzy and neither one in either mode ever really gets it.

and I tried to think of stuff that I could say, but my brain just wasn't making the necessary connections enough to formulate...

I go start in the lab soon.

But it again proves that I'm great at reading people.

I could say "I like to inspect the brains of small children without using anesthesia" and she'd say "Why, of course! So you find that gives you enjoyment?"

I've kinda been craving a Caesar Salad.

I just want stuff to DO, a feeling of productivity.

That memory has begun to fade.

I can't believe I'm eating someplace where I saw a cockroach last summer.

I occasionally would would glance towards the window when there was nobody at the terminal next to me and I was waiting for a page to load and I just remembered all those times...

I was embarrassed to walk in, look at the mirror and notice a booger.

Anyhow, backtrack: an oddly beautiful day.

I raised my hand and said "But Kierkegaard himself didn't really believe that level of faith is possible."

I laughed with eager delight, excited and enthused by the whole thing.

Hmm...minor in Philosophy, double major or Bachelor of Science?

I tried to say something...

There's no way to feel better.

Now THAT was vindicating.

I don't expect to ever have her go over it with me.

later. I wonder if I went elsewhere...

This guy keeps staring at me and it's freaking my shit out.

Sometimes in Philosophy classes I feel like Agent Kujon interrogating Verbal Kint. "Because you're stupid,Verbal, because you're a cripple!"

Why,half empty of course!

I did get to challenge name deleted a bit in class which was cool.

"She fell in love with his demeanor until the bubble burst. She's just the same now, only meaner, worse has come to worst." -Giant Sand

So I mentioned that scene in Annie Hall...

My initial impression of him was being basically Joe Stoner College Boy (tm) and basically harmless...

Um,no. I like my ups and downs but not that much.

I already knew that.

But,um,good...narrows it down.

I'm watching a special on chimps. I'd love to study primate behavior.

Was that a sign?

...but it's generally fleeting by comparison...

God, how much of life is re-learning old lessons? Is that how it is? You always repeat mistakes, you just take more time between them?
February 18,2004

Retrospective: I was walking around campus thinking God, remember how funny I used to be? Why can't I be that funny now? It's like that Subhumans song, "surrounded by boredom,you get boring."

Sitting by the window rocks. Best place to people watch.

What is it about secrets anyhow, is it just some desire to feel something precious to you?

Quiet day at the lab.

Rat training got pushed back a week.

The sun is out. The snow has melted. It's nearly forty degrees out...

Now you've done it.

(sticky mousetrap ideas)

My brain isn't working. Spring fever. Even tho'it's still winter.

all the stuff he said really hit home...the conflict between paths,needing to continue to narrow down...

Still, I was both surprised and deeply concerned.

Yet I woke up this morning...tried to remember what day it was...

I had bad dreams.

Hmm...name deleted said I was one of his best friends on Feb 5th, in late June he told me he'd been "sick of me for a year".

I perenially feel like I'm on ten cups of coffee.

Kind of moody today. Man, that dream freaked my shit out.

He told me he was glad I was feeling better and that he could lend me those tapes: one on Kevorkian and one on Nazis.

I don't need to do more than infer, that he can sum up just so completely without meaning to?

It's not so much that I can't remember as...I can't imagine. Or explain obviously.

I am or I'm not.

Yet I feel different. In synch.

Weird day.

...or maybe ethics just bored me today.

But it made me realize how excited I am about working in this lab.

I'm a complete asshole and I don't care.

I remember my panicked call last November where I hung up when they wanted to take my name and number. I just play dumb.

I think I know how the rats must feel...

My espresso is tan.

and the stoner rasta guy gave me bubbles.

I seriously think I'm losing my mind.

Kept tossing ideas through my head last night.

I just want for once to not worry about guilt or ethics or responsibility.

And I notice all of these things.

sign

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