I went to a job interview today. It was okay, I think. The funny thing about it is that I really was on a roll. I mean I was spouting out so much bullshit I couldn't even recognize myself. I was confident, cheerful, dynamic.....and utterly, completely full of shit. I mean I wasn't even thinking about what I said, I was tossing out bullshit and if they looked confused or skeptical, I covered it up with more bullshit. As I sat there, I listened to myself and part of me really felt a bit nauseous over the whole matter. I was completely full of shit, and here they were, smiling and jotting pleased notes on their notepads.
Thing is, I loathe lying. Having to lie feels like a violation and a suffocation to me. Telling the truth is one of the few things that keeps me sane. Some people feel a facade helps protect them. Not me, in most cases. If I project a facade and problems arise, I feel like I disrespected myself. If I'm honest and something doesnt work out how I like, atleast I know that I didn't make any compromises I wasn't comfortable with.
But with jobs it's a different matter altogether. Thing is, none of my life looks good on paper. I haven't exactly had a life you can put down on a resume. And if I didn't lie, I would be lucky to get anything besides waitressing or telemarketing. I have the skills, I have the intellect. What I don't have is a college degree, a long list of references or even a long history of respectable jobs. (Hey, I worked hard, was reliable and personable. It isn't my fault that most potential employers have this irrational taboo about it...) I'll be damned if Im relegated to seven bucks an hour or some god awful catch 22 just because someone pretends to want me to be honest. Most employers dont want to be honest. Oh they say they do. But they want to cover their own ass. They want me to look good on paper and they want to know that I have a persona that their clients will like. So lying it is.
But this got me to thinking.
See, I realized that some people live their lives like this. I mean, not just a job but with everything. Everything becomes a question of what sounds good. And I wondered what this must be like. The more I get into my stories, the more real it sounds. Of course I find it amusing, I suppose because I'm normally so honest that it's entertaining to see me spout shit in such a controlled environment but I got thinking about it. To tell the lie, you have to believe it. And it made me wonder...if you always did this, would you still be in control? I mean would the lines blur together so that reality, what you thought and felt, and what you felt you needed to portray, ever blurred together? That would have to be really alienating and confusing.
Some years back I had a close friend who often did that. She'd had a crazy life: abusive parent, was in a tong gang for awhile, had done time, had been in and out of rehab. And she was a great and brilliant person but she was so malleable and changeable. If something really didn't work out she'd go to extreme levels in avoidance. So I wonder if her life was all a job interview, unless someone got the interpersonal equivalent of calling her old school and found out that she hadnt got a bachelor's degree but had actually flunked out.
I'm in a good mood tonight. When Im not busy being a misanthrope or poking people with sticks, I am actually very curious about the way people think and the influences that affect us wacky creatures. I don't think I'd ever let my bullshit go beyond basic economic necessity. And my intent tonight is not to criticize. No, actually, as I looked at myself today and although I feel more amused about all the spouting off that I did, it really got me thinking about the bigger spectrum of stuff...